A Great Relationship

Having just celebrated our 24th anniversary, I've been thinking about what has made our marriage and relationship so good for the past 25+ years.

When Sir Nottaguy-Imadad and I started dating, it was because we had a matchmaking instructor in the business college we attended. Jerry was determined that I did not need to be a single mom, and he was even more determined that Ross and I would make a great couple. He kept assigning us to work groups together. Then he got really bold and divided the class into teams of 2 or 3 (guess how many were in our group??) for an extended project on TEAMWORK! The more I was around Ross, the more I liked him. One of the girls in our typing class had grown up with Ross and got a big kick out of telling me all about him. She, also, served as the mediator for those first few awkward discussions about going on a date.

Our first date was dinner at my house. I was a single mom with a 1 yr. old and a 3 yr. old. Ross started winning my heart when he walked through the door with a stuffed animal for each of us. Jessica had a frog, Liz had a bear, and I had a dog dressed like an Indian. (Jessica literally loved the fur off of her frog before our wedding! That frog went EVERYWHERE with her!) The dinner was a bit of history for us, and then afterwards we sat on the couch and watched a baseball game and talked.

We saw each other everyday at school, so we got to know each other pretty well quickly. I loved his honesty and his humor. With 3 1/2 years of a BAD marriage and then an ugly divorce, I had lost my sense of humor. I needed to learn how to laugh and lighten up all over again.

When we finally decided that we were truly in love, not just feeling the emotional high of being in like, we started talking about the tough stuff: like Ross being a step-dad; finances; possibilities of the ex popping in and out of our life; finances; how his family would react to a ready-made family; the fact that "we" would never have a child (I had my tubes tied); finances; whether I would be a stay-at-home mom or working outside the home; FINANCES; and, oh so many other things. The finances of getting married and keeping a home were the scariest discussions for both of us. We had both grown up quite poor, and we really wanted more for our children, and yet, we didn't want to fall into the trap of giving them everything and them never learning to be grateful.

I was asked recently whether Ross went down on one knee to propose to me. He didn't. We were sitting on the couch having a deep discussion about something. He put his arm around me and looked in my face and quietly asked if I would marry him and complete his life. Don't get me wrong. Ross is every bit the romantic (and I thoroughly enjoy it), but considering the bad situation that I had just gotten out of, he didn't want to scare me, so he down-played the moment. It was just what I needed. And that has characterized quite a bit of our relationship.

Ross is always, Always, ALWAYS concerned about my feelings. He's very careful about teasing. (Not that he doesn't, but he's careful to avoid anything that he thinks might be a touchy subject.) He NEVER criticizes me in public. (If he has an issue with something, he discusses it with me in private.) He RARELY ever raises his voice. (Unless he's scared.) He always looks for the humor even in the most stressful of situations. If he can find something, anything, to laugh about, he can handle the stress. AND he can help me handle it.

Now, all of that is not to say that we did not have our moments of agony and a few outright fights. Our first two or three years were definitely rough. I am a shouter. I expressed my feelings immediately. (I had to learn the value of cool-off time.) I am opinionated. However, I get mad and then get over it. We, also, separated for a year at one point, but with lots of prayer and good counselling, we were able to put our marriage back together stronger and healthier than ever.

It was about this point in our marriage that I decided to do something that was emotionally risky for me. I found three women who had been married successfully for 15+ years and I asked them to teach me how to be a good wife and mother. I gave them permission to confront me at any time and to correct and counsel me. Two of the ladies were in our church, the third was one of the supervisors at work.

They were faithful to do as I asked, and I found that marriage and motherhood was A LOT OF WORK!!! I, also, learned that I could not base my happiness or contentedness on what Ross did or did not do. I had to learn to be content because I was doing what was right. I learned to be happy because I created happiness in our home. I learned that relationships cannot be based on a 50/50 mentality. I have to be willing to give 100% even if the other person gives NOTHING! I learned to quit THINKING with my EMOTIONS, and start thinking with my head. I learned to guard my tongue carefully. Every negative thing I said would only tear down my relationships with my husband and children, and every positive thing I said would build it up. I learned to NEVER speak negatively about my husband in public and to NEVER humiliate him. (Not that I didn't have a few gripe sessions with my mentors.) I, also, learned the value of listening, really listening, to my husband and children. To hear their gripes, dreams, hurts, funny stories, and mostly their hearts.

I think all of this has been the success behind 24 years of marriage and a close family that is not intimidated by adding people into the family ranks. I have a wonderful husband who is kind, compassionate and loving. I have children that love us and others, and are not afraid to reach out their hands to include others in their lives. I have "sons" who are learning to be the fathers and husbands they are supposed to be, and, also, are not afraid to include the many people that surround them in their close relationships. I have great hopes for all seven of our grandchildren (and however many more there will be), that they will reap the benefits of a large family built on love, the Bible, and compassion for one another.