How Far Do You Go?

I keep finding myself in the position of making very tough decisions about and for my mother.  Our relationship has truly turned the corner where I have become my mother's mother.

The caregiving that I am doing now is so very similar to what I tried to do as my girls were growing into their teens--balancing autonomy with safety with sanity.

I have the tendency to just step in and take over.  I know this.  It's a battle I have fought with myself for as long as I can remember.  It's a battle I had tossed at me when I was 12 and my mother needed me to start running her finances because she couldn't take it anymore.  Can you imagine a 12 year old looking a parent in the face and saying "You can get lunch at McD's or you can buy a loaf of bread, some peanut butter and some milk, but you can't do both?" Seriously, what 12 year old has the discipline and knowledge to figure out how to make a family budget work???  What 12 year old should have to have that knowledge???  Oh, well, water over the dam....

So, now, I'm trying to get the nursing home Social Services director and Director of Nursing to work with me about putting Mom in a new room, closer to the nurses' station.  The Social Services director sees my point and is on board.  The DON however, keeps saying that I have no right to upset HER resident or to over-ride my mother's wishes.  She's, also, made comments about how much more work I create for her staff.

I've talked with my lawyer.  I've talked with the family doctor.  I know what my rights are.  But it's truly not about my rights.  It's about what is right for my mother.

My mother has been in her room for several years.  It's at the end of the hall, farthest from all the noise and bustle of the nurses' station.  It was the perfect room for her when she first started living at the home.  Her health and mental capacity has changed, though, and I really feel she needs to be closer to the center of care.  She needs to have more frequent check-ins by aides and nurses.  She needs to be closer to where they are so that in times of distress (falling, nightmares, hallucinations, etc.) she can get help faster.

I could silence the DON just by having my lawyer draw up paperwork and having a judge appoint me as her guardian.  There's enough medical evidence to show that she is not able to make rational decisions for herself.  That opens a whole new can of worms with the family, though, in particular my brother and his wife.

It, also, opens a whole world of emotional distress for me.  Do I really want legal documentation that my mother has come to this place??  Even though, I'm already pretty much making all of the decisions for her, do I really want the battle that will come?? With her?? With my brother??

Despite what some people may think, I really do not like confrontations.  I can be confrontational when I need to be, or when I'm pushed, but that's not what I want.

So I'm back to my first question--How far do you go?  I want my mother to be taken care of properly.  I want her safety and her comfort to be the primary focus.  How far do I need to go to make this happen??

I'm pretty much just sounding off, but if any of my readers/family want to chime in, I'm listening.

Updated 10:59 p.m.:  Mom was moved today by instruction of the Social Services Director.  She instituted several room moves today and all's well! I love it when God answers prayers even when I'm not really sure how to pray them. **smile**